i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
