I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
