I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Found your dick twin last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize