It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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