I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize