Three words: puerto rican gang bang
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Liz is crying about burritos again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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