I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
