fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
