An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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