is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
