My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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