Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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