shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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