dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
