Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
