I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
