You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
