The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
