There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
