just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
