If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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