i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
