A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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