just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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