I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My bed smells like the plague
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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