I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Four minutes until I can fart!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
