You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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