I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
