I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They took my balls.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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