i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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