My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
