my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my fart just growled at me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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