Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
