When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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