If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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