I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
are you so shy because you have an std?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
