"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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