Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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