evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
