I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
