it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
