I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
All the doctor said was why
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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