I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Randomize
