Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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