i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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