I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
