Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
