maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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