His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
