I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
