I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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