I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
that is very illegal...i love you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize