i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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