We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
