My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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