Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
sex in a hospital.. check
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
