Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
