this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
