I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
