im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize