Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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